Understanding & Handling An Ultimatum

I’m just going to come right out and say it: “An ultimatum is detrimental to your marriage.”

You need to understand that you should never give an ultimatum unless you’re willing and ready to accept the consequences.

Many people [falsely] think that when they give an ultimatum, then the other person will start acting a certain way.

Let me ask you this:

Is your wife telling you that the marriage is over if you don’t stop doing something?

 

Maybe your wife is having an affair.

Maybe she’s obsessed with an activity that takes time away from the family.

Maybe she works too much.

Maybe she’s addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Or maybe, just maybe, YOU ARE the one who is struggling with these issues.

However, no matter the issue that’s coming between you two, it basically boils down to one question:

How do you get your wife to stop a behavior that is ruining the marriage?

I’ve heard from multiple clients, and even non-clients, tell me that a counselor suggested an ultimatum.

This is just idiotic.

Hell, maybe a friend or family member suggested that you do it…and maybe you took their “advice.”

And I get the idea that an ultimatum sounds powerful and makes you feel like you have some control and input over the situation, but will it work?

Simply put, no.

Why?

Because an ultimatum suggests a role reversal.

Now, by no means do I want you to misunderstand me here.  Your unacceptable behavior, or the unacceptable behavior of your wife, is your responsibility.

You can CHOOSE to act in ways that will impact her choices.  The issue that comes into play here is that the connection you truly seek may need to be established without the cooperation and participation of your wife.

We’ll get deeper into that later.

So, if your wife is doing something that you feel needs to stop, you feel like a victim in the situation…and as a victim, you want to have some sort of control, input, or power over the situation because you feel helpless to do anything else.

That sounds attractive on the outside and you’ll feel better about yourself and the situation in the short-term, but what about the long term?

Ask yourself these three questions:

1. “Will the long-term impact of an ultimatum give me the result I want?”
2. “Will it be good for our marriage?”
3. “Will it lead to the restoration of our marriage?”

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, the answer is NO!!!

And yes, the idea of an ultimatum sets boundaries and rules within the marriage, but why would your wife want to follow those rules?

What’s in it for her?

Where’s the motivation for her to adhere to those boundaries and rules?

She probably understands the boundaries and rules, but why would she want to participate?

You see, this goes to show you that most people, men or women, are doing this all wrong whereas they attempt to rectify the situation using logic which is directed towards the head instead of motivation and love which is directed towards the heart.

She knows that her actions, or you know that YOUR actions, are hurting the marriage, but understand that the problem is NOT a lack of boundaries and rules; it’s a lack of motivation and incentive.

In other words, you’re NOT giving your wife a desire to participate in the following of the rules because she doesn’t see, feel, or desire what you have to offer at the moment.

We can change that…but it’s going to take a lot of work on your part.

Here’s the thing, your wife knows her actions are hurting the marriage, but she probably won’t admit to it.  Maybe, and I’d be willing to bet it’s true, that she can even justify her actions if you confront her.  If the roles are opposite, I’d bet that you too are able to justify your actions as to why they’re hurting the marriage.

But deep down, look in the mirror, you know that your actions are insensitive, immoral, dishonest, crude, corrupt, mean, disingenuous, or any combination of those words.

In fact, you know and/or she knows that these actions are destroying your souls.

But what’s the REAL problem?

The REAL problem is that there’s a lack of care and attention that leads to a lack of motivation to do the right thing.

In other words, you have to WANT to stop…or she has to WANT to stop.

The secret is getting you, or her, to get in touch with your, or her, innermost motivation to stop.

Understand that an ultimatum DOES put boundaries and rules on the marriage as viewed from the outside, but it doesn’t do anything to tackle the motivation of your, or her, inner heart.

It might make you feel good to set an ultimatum, but you still fall short of the desire to motivate change.

This is why my mentoring and programs focus on building and renewing a connection with one another, NOT problem solving or communication strategies.

Sure, I touch on problem solving and communication strategies, but I intertwine them with ways to connect with one another.

The keyword is “connect.”

Now think about this, disconnected people will often marry disconnected people.

You, more than likely, married one another because you both were feeling some sort of disconnection in your own lives, most likely from your childhood, and that disconnection felt familiar to you.

Furthermore, your wife is probably similar to your mother and you are probably similar to her father.

The REAL dysfunction is when you realize that you probably married your wife, and she married you, because you didn’t need, and she didn’t need, something that you couldn’t offer one another.  In other words, you didn’t have to make a REAL connection with each other.

It’s dysfunctional but true!

But that pattern doesn’t have to keep repeating itself if you choose to take certain actions that change that.

Think about it this way: if you lack a REAL connection with other people, then you will innately grasp at anyone or anything in an effort to feel a connection.

If you lack an emotional connection with your wife, or she lacks an emotional connection with you, then that is the type of thing that will drive you, or her, to fill that void with someone or something else OUTSIDE of your marriage.

It could be an affair, drugs, video games, TV shows or movies, going to the gym, becoming a workaholic, or committing an obsessive amount of time and energy towards a hobby or activity.

The truth is the fact that as you, or your wife, attempt to fill that void, the ways in which you do so becomes the lifestyle that other people come to expect of you because it’s what they see on the outside.

And while these activities give you some short-term fulfillment, they don’t fill the emptiness you feel within your heart because there’s a lack of connection.

So what do you do?

Like I said earlier, you must create a profound and meaningful connection between you two.

And when you do that, you eliminate the desire to continue the damaging activities because you have become each other’s source of motivation.

I’m not going to dig too deep into the psychological realm here, but I’d be willing to bet that a deeper connection with one another fills that void which can be traced back to your childhood, or your wife’s childhood, in the form of a lack of connection with a parent.

You see, the connection that you establish with one another can be so powerful and magnificent that it will surpass your yearning of short-term fulfillment of a damaging behavior or actions…

…But it takes a lot of work, commitment, and patience to make that happen because I’m quite certain that you have no idea how to deeply and completely CONNECT with one another.

Even if you’re working as a “Solo Soldier” in an attempt to renew your marriage, I can show you how to get your wife on board and WILLING to participate.

Again, I can show you how, but you have to be committed, coachable, and resourceful.

Want to learn what that means for you and your marriage?

Then reach out to me and let’s get you pointed in the right direction.