This is going to rub some people the wrong way and I’m OK with that. Why? Because the people that this resonates with will value it and the people that it doesn’t resonate with won’t buy my products or waste my time.
And you know what? If my ways don’t resonate with you, fine. I will NEVER apologize for that.
Why? Because there’s a lesson to learn here…and it can be applied to every area of your life – business, relationships, online…wherever!
You see, it’s a win/win for everyone involved. Let’s explore that…
Just yesterday, I was shopping at this swanky little grocery store with my dad. He needed some groceries and so we headed over there where all the “sophisticated” people go…yeah. Anyway, I was looking at some wine because the Mrs. and I enjoy some hooch every once in awhile and a woman walked past and our elbows made love.
Holy shit! She was overly apologetic! “I’m really sorry. Completely my fault…” Blah blah blah. I get it! We bumped elbows in passing (while I was standing still and reading a wine bottle label might I add) and it was apparently the greatest tragedy in mankind to this woman.
CALM DOWN!!! No one got hurt and the earth won’t crash into the sun because our elbows said hello to one another.
Sheeeesh! She needed the wine to relax more than I did…
Here’s the deal, if you apologize all……the……damn……time, it’s a sign of weakness, lack of confidence, and it gives people the subconscious impression that you make a lot of mistakes. I make mistakes (more and more as I grow older and I’m proud of that because I learn from them) but I don’t get all pissy, apologetic, and frustrated about them. Forgive yourself and flood yourself with acceptance for your faults without allowing your mistakes to consume your life.
But if you just go about your life confidently and intelligently without giving people that subconscious feeling that you’re incompetent, then you’re setting yourself up for better success and to be more highly respected.
You can’t force someone to respect you, but you can choose to NOT be disrespected.
And one of the leading ways for you to gain instant authority and respect is to eliminate, or at least greatly reduce, your use of the word “Sorry.”
Save it for situations that actually matter. For example:
To quote an article written by Angelyn Francis for Huffington Post Canada:
“Instead of “apologizing for simply existing,” which can put your friends in the position of needing to comfort you, writing or saying “thank you” better shows that what you really meant to do was demonstrate your appreciation.”
Quite often, the overuse of the word “Sorry” can cause the word to quickly fall on deaf ears. It becomes so common that it no longer has any sort of meaning except as a regurgitated reflex.
From experience, I see apologetic people continuously being walked on by others. They feel like they’re unworthy, apologize all the time unnecessarily, and therefore become easy targets for disrespect from others.
But let’s get something straight here…
…I’m NOT saying that you should never apologize. There are times when it is necessary and appropriate. But the word “Sorry” is grossly overused in our society.
To further express my point, there are some other, less direct ways to apologize. They include phrases like:
- “Sorry to bring it up again, but…”
- Sometimes, shit needs to be said
- “Don’t hold this against me, but…”
- You’re subconsciously giving the other person(s) the idea that what you’re about to say is something that can and should be used against you
- “I feel like this shouldn’t be an issue, but…”
- Don’t apologize for speaking your mind
- “I’m sorry, you’re mumbling and I’m unable to hear you…”
- Don’t apologize for the actions of someone else
- “Sorry my hair doesn’t look good right now, but…”
- Never apologize for the way you look – it’s not confident or sexy
- “Sorry but my family comes first.”
- Your family should ALWAYS come first…no matter what!
- “Sorry about buying top-shelf liquor, but…”
- It’s perfectly fine to indulge in the finer things of life, especially if they bring you some sort of joy
- “I apologize for telling what happened even though it got you in trouble, but…”
- Telling the truth is never something in which you should hang your head
- “I just need to be alone right now.”
- There are times in your life where you just need to collect your thoughts and have some personal time to decompress…and that’s perfectly acceptable!
A major problem in our society is with our buts! They can imply negativity and/or the wrong impression.
However, to put a more positive spin on the overuse of apologies, it can be used as a way to prevent unnecessary violence. If you bump into someone without meaning to, then yes, that’s a mistake and therefore an apology is warranted, but there’s no need to overhype your mistake and give it more energy than necessary. But if you’re apologizing for expressing your feelings and emotions, then you’re lessening your ability to influence any given situation.
Let’s face it, there are things in life that you should NEVER apologize for…no matter the circumstances. Doing so would lessen your character – in my humble but accurate opinion. They include:
- Completing a course/class that betters your life in some way
- Making your family your highest priority
- Loving unconditionally
- Being true to your character and your priorities
- Giving someone else an opportunity to explain themselves
- Providing protection for your loved ones
- Your religious beliefs
- Being alone to collect and reconnect your thoughts
- Forgiving someone for doing something wrong to you
- Asking someone to repeat themselves
- The way someone else responds to your physical appearance
- Eliminating “toxic” people from your life
- Wearing your heart on your sleeve
- Delaying your response to a question (this actually means you’re putting thought into the answer instead of having a knee-jerk reactional reply)
- Going through life at your own speed
- Telling the truth, even if it means someone gets hurt
- Speaking your mind
- Informing someone that their outlook and emotions are invalid
- Changing your mind
- Holding true to your life’s mission
- Believing in the value of another person
- Feeling an emotion deeply and completely
- Buying something that brings a smile to your face
- Dancing like a dufus
- Having high standards for yourself
- Standing your ground for what you believe
- Asking for help
- Not having the answer right at that moment
- Saying “No” (doesn’t warrant an explanation either)
- For the actions of someone else – including your children
- Enjoying the finer things that the world has to offer
- Working hard to complete a goal
- EXISTING! YOU FUCKING BELONG HERE TOO!!!!
If you believe that apologizing for existing, feeling, and loving deeply, then what you’re doing is apologizing for expressing the truth and being real to your heart and soul.
And THAT, in and of itself, is a crime that can only be punished by self-imprisonment for the denying of your heart’s demands.
What a sad existence…and one that doesn’t impact the world to your fullest potential. Get up, stop apologizing for your life to everyone – including yourself, and believe in your potential.
So change that.
The best apology you can ever give is changed behavior.
Now go! The world awaits your greatness!
Philip Douthett
Wow, this was a powerful read and something I wish I had learned earlier in life. Thank you for the insight!
You’re quite welcome Matt! Glad you found some value in it.
I ran across the same idea about replacing the word But with the word and. As the But seems to make an apology for what comes after it or negates what came before it.
I say you used the word but in this article, and wondered how you would feel about replacing to with and when you wrote:
“Doing so would lessen your character – in my humble BUT accurate opinion.”
Not trying to nit-pock here. I am trying to see if there is a place for “BUT”, or in our quest to stop apologizing we should replace them with “AND” on all occasions.
This is great info and I am just starting the program. However, I feel like I am always apologizing and never doing anything right. I feel like crap and after a while saying it is just “noise”. How do I get out of this pattern?
Thanks,
Mark
This exact issue is covered in depth within the program. You’ll come across it soon enough.
And yes, this type of approach towards your wife will eventually make you feel like less of a man. As you go through the program, if you stay committed and focused, you will begin to “rewire” your mind and eventually you will snap out of this degrading pattern. It will take a little bit of time…but stay consistent Mark.